'Cash for Clunkers' leads to relief from marriage program

Citing the success of the “Cash for Clunkers” program, the Obama administration announced plans for the “Singles for Spouses” program, which will allow married individuals to spend two weeks on a beach resort for singles without their spouses.

“Morale in this country is at an all-time low,” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “If we want people to be happy again, we must attack the very cause of that unhappiness.”

Gibbs cited studies that indicate 87 percent of married couples claim that they are not happy, compared to 37 percent of single people who make the same claim.

“If marriage is making people unhappy, then we need to provide people relief from that institution,” Gibbs said. “This program will provide temporary relief to help get us back on track as a nation.”

Gibbs announced that President Obama has appointed former President Bill Clinton to oversee “Singles for Spouses.”

“I am very excited to take the lead on this,” Clinton said. “I am very, very, very, very excited. Very excited”

Individuals who qualify as unhappily married will be eligible for a two week paid vacation at one of seven beach resorts around the world. The vacations will be timed with local singles gatherings at the locations.

Gibbs said that the program is estimated to cost the federal government $1.2 billion over the next two years.

“You can’t put a price on happiness, can you?” Gibbs said.

According to Clinton, a formula will be used to determine whether or not individuals qualify as unhappy. A major determinant will be length of marriage.

“If you have been married for less than five years, you might not qualify,” Clinton said. “If you’ve been married for 15 years, pack your swim trunks.”

An online CNN survey indicated that 97 percent of married American men and 38 percent of married American women support the program.

Schools Struggle with 'Stay in School' Broadcast

School administrators across the country are under attack as they decide whether or not to show a national broadcast from Steve the Puppet Master, who intends to deliver a message about the importance of staying in school.

Talk radio shows were devoted to the topic this week, as callers and hosts have called for a ban on the Internet broadcast.

“Teachers have no right forcing children to hear this message,” said Jon Krakower, host of I Am Jon Krakower in St. Paul, Min. “I have no idea what this man is going to say, but I don’t believe it is a message that students should be subjected to.”

Steve the Puppet Master, whose real name is Steve, is surprised by the controversy.

“I’ve been visiting elementary schools in the greater Tucson area for twenty years. My sister bought me a Mac for Christmas, and I figured out how to put my show online when my sciatica flared up,” he said.

Steve’s show includes such puppet characters as “Doug the Sheep Dog,” “Pete the Confused Pirate,” and “Tecate the Chihuahua.”

“Kids just love the show,” Steve said. “Never had any complaints before, well, except for the 1st grade incident in Nogales, but that was just some incorrect translations to Spanish.”

“Look, as a parent, it should be my decision to have my kids hear this message,” Krakower said. “If I want to shove my hand up a stuffed animal or in a sock and talk about staying in school, then that should be my God-given role as a parent, not Steve the Puppet Master. Who the hell is Steve the Puppet Master. How do I even know that Steve the Puppet Master is qualified to deliver such a message?”

Steve confirmed that he graduated from high school and completed two years of theater classes at a community college.

“Solid 2.9 GPA. Best years of my life, and I think kids can learn from that,” he said.

In the meantime, school administrators are struggling with the decision to show Tuesday’s broadcast despite public outcry.

“It’s a message we always try to deliver to students,” said Diane Connelly, principal of Pioneer Elementary in Las Vegas. “We’ve had Ronald McDonald speak, Dennis Rodman, Pamela Anderson. The kids love hearing from famous people, except for the ones who are scared of Ronald McDonald. But mostly, it’s pretty powerful. I was expecting the same from Steve the Puppet Master. Can't we all?”