'Cash for Clunkers' leads to relief from marriage program

Citing the success of the “Cash for Clunkers” program, the Obama administration announced plans for the “Singles for Spouses” program, which will allow married individuals to spend two weeks on a beach resort for singles without their spouses.

“Morale in this country is at an all-time low,” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “If we want people to be happy again, we must attack the very cause of that unhappiness.”

Gibbs cited studies that indicate 87 percent of married couples claim that they are not happy, compared to 37 percent of single people who make the same claim.

“If marriage is making people unhappy, then we need to provide people relief from that institution,” Gibbs said. “This program will provide temporary relief to help get us back on track as a nation.”

Gibbs announced that President Obama has appointed former President Bill Clinton to oversee “Singles for Spouses.”

“I am very excited to take the lead on this,” Clinton said. “I am very, very, very, very excited. Very excited”

Individuals who qualify as unhappily married will be eligible for a two week paid vacation at one of seven beach resorts around the world. The vacations will be timed with local singles gatherings at the locations.

Gibbs said that the program is estimated to cost the federal government $1.2 billion over the next two years.

“You can’t put a price on happiness, can you?” Gibbs said.

According to Clinton, a formula will be used to determine whether or not individuals qualify as unhappy. A major determinant will be length of marriage.

“If you have been married for less than five years, you might not qualify,” Clinton said. “If you’ve been married for 15 years, pack your swim trunks.”

An online CNN survey indicated that 97 percent of married American men and 38 percent of married American women support the program.